


Even recovering hurts

by TosMichiyo



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Alternate Universe - Non-Magical, Depression, M/M, Past Sexual Abuse, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Rape/Non-con Elements, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-13
Updated: 2016-11-13
Packaged: 2018-08-30 19:44:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,955
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8546689
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TosMichiyo/pseuds/TosMichiyo
Summary: Harry struggles with his past, but luckily his boyfriend is always there for him.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Hello, this is a pretty messed up fanfic from my messed up mind I guess.  
> It is much different than my other stories, and a lot darker.
> 
> So please proceed with caution, especially if you are easily triggered by the warnings underneath here!
> 
> **Warnings: Past sexual abuse, Self-harm, Suicidal thoughts.**

### Even Recovering hurts: 

Harry always knew that if he ever died, it would be by his own hands. He always believed that he would end his life at his own terms. 

He has tried, so often. Days were he struggled to fight the depression and the flashbacks. Days were he wanted to cut himself open, so that at least he would be as destroyed on the outside as he felt on the inside. 

Broken, destroyed, hopeless and Harry had a feeling no one cared. Why would they? Why would they care about a freak like him? They didn’t, they never did. For if they cared they would have stopped it. 

They would have stopped his stepfather from abusing him, but Harry was certain they knew. Their eyes showed that they knew and he hated them. He hated and blamed them all for not stopping him. 

Harry also hated and blamed myself for letting it happen, time and time again. But like someone once said to him: ‘If you give a child a candy, it will ask for more.’ He felt ashamed by the truth of those words, ashamed that at times he had wanted it. His body craving those orgasms, his body grew used to it and his mind did as well. 

To have his stepfather’s attention focused solely on him, to feel his hands touching him. And at other times Harry felt disgusted by it and he wanted to erase of every part of himself that he had touched. Harry felt disgusted by himself; even if people said he was not to blame. How could he be the one to be blamed? He had only been a child, only 8 years old. Curious and just learning about everything around him. Somewhere deep down Harry knew they were right… he shouldn’t blame himself, shouldn’t hate himself, but it is so difficult to change.

His stepfather should not have touched him. He was the adult and he should not have touched him like that, but he did anyway. And now there are so many days that Harry wished that it would have never started, so many days that he wished he wasn’t so broken. 

As Harry sat there with a knife against his wrist, he debated whether he should cut the vein yes or no. Like always he debated, this continuous battle inside him. 

The only one who had saved his life was not here right now, but he would come home, walk into this apartment and maybe he would see Harry’s body lying on the couch, bloodied wrist, while his emerald eyes will be dull and empty. Blood covering the couch and his clothes, Harry would imagine his reaction upon seeing him like that. 

Harry is aware of tears running from his eyes, but he makes no move to dry them. It doesn’t matter. He knows he wouldn’t be able to stop crying anyway, because now Harry can see his face. Blue eyes widened in shock and despair and pain will fill his eyes. He will cry… he will definitely cry even if he would never admit it. 

Harry knows Tom will cry when he dies, because even if Tom will deny it for the rest of their lives… Harry knows, deep down he knows that Tom loves him. Tom never said the words out loud, even though Harry craved to hear them. Tom never said it, but he showed it nonetheless. 

Ever since they met Harry had been doing better. Who would imagine that someone named Lord Voldemort on an online forum would actually be the one person who saved his life. Who saved him from himself. 

Harry was grateful that he met him, for he had have fallen deeply in love with Tom Riddle and that is why it hurts to imagine Tom’s face when he will find his dead body. When Harry feels suicidal like he felt right now, he would imagine Tom finding him. It stops Harry from actually killing himself. 

How foolish isn’t that… that he lives this pitiful life and he couldn’t even end it, because he knows it will hurt one person. Harry’s hand which holds the knife is trembling, but he makes no move to pull it away from his wrist. 

Somehow he wished he had the courage to actually do it, but deep down he was a coward. Even though he knows that tomorrow is going to be another living hell, he always tries to bear through it, at least for Tom. 

Harry tenses when he hears the lock being turned…. His eyes glance towards the clock. Tom is early… he is never this early. Harry sits there frozen, but he knew he couldn’t let Tom see him like this. He quickly moves and hides the knife behind a cushion on the couch and then he attempts to dry his eyes, removing the tears. 

Harry hopes that Tom doesn’t sit next to him… He hopes that Tom doesn’t notice the knife. 

The door opens and Harry freezes. He doesn’t dare to look up, but he could feel Tom’s eyes on him. Those beautiful blue eyes… they will look at him and see this broken person and Harry wonders how Tom can love someone like him.

Tom’s footsteps are soft as he walks towards Harry. He kneels down in front of Harry and carefully Harry lifts his head to look at him. He moves his hands and gently grabs Harry’s in his. He is always careful like this when he knows that Harry is struggling. Harry can the concern on Tom’s face and he hates it. “Harry….” His voice is soft and Harry sobs as he feels more tears escaping. He hates that he is the reason that Tom is concerned…

How could he ever kill himself...? How could he ever leave Tom all by himself? Harry closes his eyes as he cries and cries and Tom simply holds his hand, until Harry feels him move. Harry feels a rubber band being placed around his wrists. “Have you hurt yourself?” Tom asked softly and Harry shakes his head, unable to give a verbal response. 

Harry knows why Tom handed him that rubber band, so that he could pull it and feel the sting of it. Tom told him, he should use it whenever he feels the need to self-harm. Tom always carries them with him, which is why Harry knows he cares. 

It is such a simply and small gesture, but Harry knows that Tom cares. Tom moves and sits next to him on the couch, still holding his hands. Harry shifts until his head is on top of Tom’s shoulder and carefully Tom wraps his arms around him. 

“Just let it out.” Tom whispers. “I’m here.” Harry couldn’t even stop the tears as he cries against Tom’s shoulder. He can’t even remember how long it took for him to be comfortable enough for Tom to touch him, but Tom was always patient and caring. 

Tom was exactly what he needed. After a while he stopped crying, but he still kept his face buried against Tom. He didn’t want to move. Here in this embrace he felt safe, yet he knew it wouldn’t last forever. “Flashbacks?” Tom questioned softly and Harry just nods. 

Tom sighed and placed a kiss on his head. “You’re fine now. He can’t touch you anymore.” Harry knew that, yet it did nothing to stop the flashbacks from happening. “Come on. I will make some tea.” Harry reluctantly let go and grabbed some tissues as he wiped his face clean from his tears. 

Tom moved into the kitchen and immediately noticed a missing knife on the rack against the wall. Blue eyes widened briefly, but he had not seen a knife lying around in the living room. He silently moved back to the door and saw Harry sitting there, looking in front of him, his eyes still distant. 

Tom gritted his teeth and just decided to make some tea and see if Harry would tell him about the missing knife. As Tom walks back into the living room he places the tea cups on the table. And then he wants to sit down at Harry’s other side and immediately Harry tenses and stops him from sitting there.

“No!” Harry screams as Tom attempts to sit down against the cushion where he hid the knife behind. Harry tenses, as he watched his boyfriend look down at him.

Tom looked down at Harry, seeing those emerald eyes wide in shock and fear. Then his eyes glance over to the cushion, already connecting the dots and he pulls away the cushion, seeing the missing knife behind it. 

Harry sees Tom looking down at the knife and he looks away as he tries to stop himself from crying. He is aware that Tom throws the knife on the table and sits down next to him. “Self-harm or were you planning for something more…?” Tom asks softly and Harry hears the suppressed anger in Tom’s voice. 

Harry doesn’t reply, how could he ever tell Tom the truth? “Harry…” Tom whispered softly and Harry lets out a sob. “Look at me.” 

Harry doesn’t want to look at him, but he complies anyway. He sees Tom’s blue eyes staring at him. He can see the hurt inside those eyes and he knew it was because of him. “I thought we were over this…. if you feel like that, you know you can always, and I mean always, call me.” 

Harry nods and looks down. Tom has said that so many times before. Yet Harry never called him when he was thinking of actually killing himself. “I thought you were doing better?” Tom whispered softly. 

Harry let out a broken laugh that sounded more like a sob. “I thought I was doing better too…” Harry replies and he hates how weak and pathetic his voice sounded at that moment. 

Tom grabs his hand and Harry turns his hand around slowly, intertwining their fingers. “I am always here, Harry. You know that right?” Tom asks him softly and Harry nods. Harry felt Toms grab his face and instinctually he closes his eyes. 

“Open your eyes.” Tom murmured and Harry feels how close the other is and he opens his eyes. Tom doesn’t do or say anything and Harry feels himself tensing up. “I love you.” Tom said so softly that if Harry hadn’t been so close to the other he would not have heard it. 

His eyes widen a bit as he looks into Tom’s eyes, but Tom just moves forward and kisses him gently. “Promise me, Harry. Please promise me if you feel like that, you will call me.” Tom whispers softly. 

Tom’s words still echoed through Harry’s mind and he found himself nodding slowly. “I promise…” Harry whispers. He hopes he would be able to keep his promise. He tends more to suffer in silence than to let anyone know he is suffering and Tom knows that. 

“You better keep that promise then.” Tom says as he cups Harry’s cheek and he smiles softly. Harry just silently nods as he put his arms around the other and Tom also wraps his arms around Harry again. 

“I love you, Tom.” Harry whispers in reply. Harry knew that maybe with Tom at his side he could survive this all. 

He already had medication and professional help, but nothing had worked as well as Tom becoming his boyfriend. That is why he might place his faith in Tom. Harry let out a broken laugh. “Recovering sucks…” He whispers. 

“I know.” Tom replies. And Harry just closes his eyes, losing himself in Tom’s embrace. He was safe and protected here, at least for now.


End file.
